Once again, time makes fools of...well me. It is amazing what things fall by the wayside when life demands more attention than time allows. This post will likely be more introspective than the blog's original intent, but to be fair, I always expected I would default to pushing the boundaries of omphaloskepsis with this tiny portion of the internet. So, first, my due diligence to my premise.
I have barely been to the gym, but I have gone more than once a month if you average the entire year. -1
I spent the majority of March and April averaging way more time at work than spent in my own house. -3
I have not gained or lost noticeable weight. Even
I have earned myself some "ab dimples". Meaning I have an ab, and it has darts of definition directly near my ribs. Bonus point, I also did it without piles of situps. No, I'm not selling exercise equipment for 12 easy payments of $19.99(though maybe I should...). No, you may not see them for fear of scaring them off. +2
I have accomplished 0 words of personal writing. -2
Final score is -4. Kinda lame. Could be way worse.
2011 in many ways has pushed me to be...well something. Allow me to clarify the second half of my pretentious titling as it will position the remainder of these thoughts.
I was approximately 3 years too late to jump on the Browncoat Bandwagon and be outraged at the mismanagement of the Joss Whedon show Firefly. Similar to Bruce Timm and Paul Dini's Batman Beyond, Firefly was a show in the wrong place, wrong time, being pointed towards not quite the wrong audience. Firefly was the first of many to fall to the curse of Summer Glau (I'll miss you The Cape). Firefly also introduced me to the wonderful yet under-appreciated Alan Tudyk, whom I'd later see replacing Hank Azaria as Lancelot in Spamalot. It brought the cult following of Nathan Fillion's work to light (because Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place was collectively forgotten by everyone. Even Ryan Reynolds.)
The episode "War Stories" begins with some references to a semi-fictional ancient warlord known as Shan Yu. In the Firefly universe, Shan Yu was a heartless mass murdering general, who "fancied himself a warrior poet." This Shan Yu wrote "live with a man 40 years…share his house, his meals, speak on every subject…then tie him up and hold him over the volcano’s edge. On that day, you will finally meet the man." 2011 has been both my rope and my volcano.
I have pushed and been pushed, striven, strained, stressed with and without need, raised bars, dropped balls, and in the end I have spent time holding myself over the volcano. If I have finally met the "man" that is me, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I hope that the petulant, arrogant, miserable, petty, vindictive child that has been uncovered is more an uncomfortable reaction to heat exposure than what I am after any layer of defense I have has been melted or charred away.
I'd love to say "I know it's not just me." In fact, I originally wrote that exact sentence. I have plenty of reasons and factors and explanations and evidence that so many things are not my fault. But what good does that accomplish for me in my quest for self improvement? In the interest of SCIENCE I have to consider that, in fact, everything could be my fault.
This theory does not excuse the external factors that have bound me this far. While I search for some self-perspective, I will not simply ignore or forget what decisions and actions have influenced me, but rather I will try wholeheartedly to make my decisions, actions, and reactions be a better representation of who I want to meet the next time I encounter myself. I need to take inventory of the lessons I've learned in the last few months, and find out what I have (aside from great hair).
If nothing else, I still have a need to just...do better. I think that's lesson number 1. When I stopped trying to do that, just about everything else fell apart. I'll add it to my list, but not my blog title. Self-aware(ener) is just too far. Wish me luck!
Luck!
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