It's been a crazy, stressful, taxing, challenging, productive, looooooong week. I'll break it down like Sergio Leone in 1966.
The Good:
In a week's time I've run about a dozen more miles than I have in the last near decade combined. Yes, it's on the low impact elliptical (whoever came up with that idea and put it to machinery? Kudos to you). Yes in the total time it took me to put up those miles, if you do the math and expand it out I'd get lapped in a marathon against The Biggest Loser finalists. But I haven't hurt myself yet.
I have also become more aware of what was I needed to be successful/decent in cross country - Distractions (capital D for certain). I hang my smaller-than-a-cigarette-lighter sized iPod Shuffle off my shirt, switch it to one of 2 options (on, or shuffle. I go with shuffle), and then I go. The TVs in the massive purple/yellow sweat shop are an added bonus. This is what I needed when I was running stupidly through the woods! Not the beauty of nature or the wind in my hair. Not my own "deep" thoughts. Not the sound of my feet on the trail. Not the sound of my heart forcibly punching an escape route out of my rib cage while my lungs debate putting in their two weeks notice. Endless distractions! Yes! The road to a healthy body is overloading my mind with digital distractions.
I was called back for a show in which I didn't expect to be even considered for anything. I was called back for a Character (capital C for certain) and I generally get called back for the straightforward, lead guy kind of roles. Now I have a chance to see how much greener the grass is on the other side of the stage. Also, I got called back most likely because of my second song. I was put on the spot, and asked to do an entirely different style of song in an entirely different range instantly. But apparently that's what stood out, and they liked it enough to put me through the first round of cuts.
I had call backs, along with the friends I conned into trying out with me from Oz. My two advantages were that I [past tense more than present tense] speak German, and I was only called back for one part. For the first time that I can remember, I put everything I had on the stage, and I mean all of it. My motto for this entire audition has been "What have I got to lose?" It felt great. I don't think I've ever actually done that and I don't know that I can ever go back from here.
The Bad:
I know I'm coming down with some wintery sickness. I blame local news legend Don Alhart. "Tonight on the Monday night local news at 11 - The flu. We've had a pretty light winter in terms of the flu this season. Where is it?" I know right where it is. You suck Don Alhart.
I can all but state for certain that I did not get the part. I think I know where I missed, but I think (and was told by a few other people, and not all of them are friends yet) that I had done a really solid job. After the first run of call back singing, we were given some direction, and I don't think I performed it the way the director was going. Also, there's a big tall bald guy who can sing too, and I think he's got the "it" that the director was going for. I did everything I think I could have tonight with what I was given to work with(good), but I wasn't ever given a reading part for my character(bad). I got a few small lines to help move some scenes along for other characters so I tried (good), but I think they didn't need to see me read for the character because they had already written me off.
Workload at work continues to increase. The only reason the end may be in sight, is because the deadlines may get moved up. At least I have work to complain about.
Not a good weekend for sports in my household. Montreal dropped 2, the Bengals blew another game to the wretched Steelers, the Mets now have to face Cliff Lee in addition to the Phillies line up, and my wife continues to root for the Leafs.
The Ugly:
Part envy and the failed suspension of disbelief. I did the best I could to keep myself in check over these auditions. "Don't expect anything" "You're stepping up to a bigger league" "Nobody knows you and you aren't that amazing" "Don't expect anything". But honestly, I thought I gave a strong enough audition to be considered for more than only Franz. And I don't mean to be a prick (though I know I sound like a whiny...well actor). I just expected more if I was going to get anything. Or less and get nothing.
I like to be honest when I can, so I'll admit that despite all my self deprication, I thought I had a legit shot at standing out for Leo Bloom. It just threw everything into question when the stuff I thought I nailed wasn't good enough, and the stuff I thought was nothing special was a factor in my success. It made me run over the game footage in my head non-stop for the next...well I'm still going over it.
Oh, and the part envy. I hope my Oz friend lands Leo Bloom. He's a fantastic guy and all the girls love him. But I will admit to adding Leo Bloom to my list of roles I can [realistically] dream of playing. I'll get over it soon. No, really. Named part, chorus boy, or not even cast I will be jealous of the lucky guy to get the part. Then I'll move on with my life. I know quite well that there is always someone who wishes they could have your part. Even if your part is "that guy who helped move the table to the spike mark after pretending he was at a bar during the last scene", there are people that dream of moving that very table. Contrary to what I've written so far, I'm big on being grateful for whatever part you have, and to make that part your own. But I'm also human (hopefully not contrary to what I've been writing). Which makes this last part the ugliest.
I have never turned down a part. I am proud of that stubborn statistic. It provides me with a misplaced sense of invulnerability to life's whimsy. So with that said, how can I turn down a role for a show I really enjoy? There's a slight possibility that this is a paid gig for any role. How can I turn down an opportunity to be paid for playing on stage? Some of the best people I've been on stage with are all but guaranteed parts or leads. How can I turn down the chance to "work" with them again? This is a chance to play a different stage and work with new, fun, interesting directors and stage folk. How can I turn that down?
Can I swallow my ego until I overcome my envy?(Will I overcome my envy again?) Can I commit the time and energy?(Do I have the time and energy?) Am I willing to cut my hair and commit to a background role this early in the spring show season auditions? Can I guarantee that I'll be able to make work and rehearsals almost every night fit during a very busy timeframe at work? Is it fair to try and convince my darling wife to let me do back to back shows? Will it be fair to go for a third show after that? These are some of the questions I may find myself staring down in the next day or two. I mean, there's a fair chance I don't get cast for anything, which would make some of these questions super easy. And no matter what happens, I would do this all again, and will probably do it all again sooner rather than later. But in the end, my dilemma will boil down to the one, difficult, pervasive question I uncovered at the start of this adventure:
What have I got to lose?
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